For Del

Phase 1

2011-06-08T19:47:00.001+08:00

if you only knew, the pains it took to turn from you.

Shine on you

2011-04-27T06:08:00.004+08:00

When everything has turned to dust. When all that you wish for fades into the darkness, what do you do?

Cry
Cry
Cry

Turned away, lost in yourself. Lost in clouds, in the illusions that weave around you. Fear grips tightly around the throat, silencing the little voice you had, taking away all means for help. What do you do, when your dreams shatter, and you can't see any more around the last event horizon. The light blurs, the illusion is gone. In here, there is only nothingness, there is nothing but what there is, was, and will be.

Sometimes its not how we should think, its choosing the best method to think.

Shine

2011-04-27T06:05:00.002+08:00

I can see it in your eyes
What I know in my heart is true
That our love it has faded
Like the summer run through
So we'll walk down the shoreline
One last time together
Feel the wind blow our wanderin' hearts Like a feather
But who knows what's waiting
In the wings of time
Dry your eyes
We gotta go where we can shine

Don't be hiding in sorrow
Or clinging to the past
With your beauty so precious
And the season so fast
No matter how cold the horizon appear
Or how far the first night
When I held you near
You gotta rise from these ashes
Like a bird of flame
Step out of the shadow
We've gotta go where we can shine

For all that we struggle
For all we pretend
It don't come down to nothing
Except love in the end
And ours is a road
That is strewn with goodbyes
But as it unfolds
As it all unwinds
Remember your soul is the one thing
You just can't compromise
Take my hand
We're gonna go where we can shine
We're gonna go where we can shine
We're gonna go where we can shine

(and look, and look)
Through the windows of midnight
Moonfoam and silver

330

2011-04-04T12:17:00.001+08:00

She doesn't love you anymore. Let it go and find yourself.

Knock knock Knocking

2011-03-17T02:30:00.009+08:00

Do you answer your door when it is knocked? What if you think you heard something, but are not sure if someone is at the door. Will you check, to see if it there is something for you? What if you keep hearing a knocking, but fail to find what you expect at the door. Will you search for the unexpected, or be secure in the idea that somebody is playing a prank on you.

Like everybody else I wish to be moved. I long to be touched, held, understood and inspired. To be loved! Isn't that what everybody wants, to be understood, to be given allowances for our infinite complexity.

Ultimately we wish to be free, free to believe what we want. Free to see what we want to see whenever we open the door. Yet we are chained by the compulsion to open the door. How do we make sense of doing something when we don't know what exactly we are doing? When do we know where the night ends and the day begins.

My Heart

2010-11-29T17:20:00.004+08:00

It is as simple as learning to love the things that make you upset. We start with ourselves because we need to embody our positivity. Love is an emotion. Emotions are contagious. Spread it around and you will get more of it. Always in abundance. Because more makes more. Positivity is contagious, because deep down inside, people love positivity. In essence people are whatever they are comfortable being, most of us are comfortable being positive rather than negative. The world in essence is a war, that is fought everyday by your mindset. If we would like to live in a world with peace and love, we must do our best to spread that mindset around. We do this by being good and kind to people, winning them over with the simple proposition; together we can make great things happen. As we cast aside our differences and we appreciate the excitement of achieving our similar goals, we will achieve great things. Its is the love of money based on the connotation that money gives us power and rights over other people that is the root of all evil, not money itself. If we loved money itself, we would be collectors of the different series of currency. The love of money is the veil that shields us from much of the truth. The truth is in understanding the mystery of the vast infinite, known by many names, that defines what we are, where we came from, and where we are going. The love of wisdom brings us the thirst for knowledge which leads us to the mysteries that must be solved. Only when we understand our place in this world can we move on to greater mysteries, greater pleasures, and greater challenges. Our true nature in this world can be summed up by the answer that we give as a child when asked what do we want to be when we grow up. In the sense that our passions, strengths and talents are taken into consideration when answering that question rather than how much paper will be given to us. In a sense, we are what we hate/love ultimately they are the same thing. By understanding our emotions we understand our self; by understanding our self we understand those around us; by understanding those around us, we understand us, life is learning. The only thing there is to learn is how to serve. When we serve our self we are loving our self, when we serve others we learn to love others. The greatest among us serve what we do not know, with open heart and mind to the lesson that there is always more to learn.

Go in Love and Light.

Safety First

2010-11-27T12:34:00.001+08:00

Knowledge Protects, Ignorance Endangers

Economics?

2010-11-10T14:38:00.003+08:00

Economics would have us believe in the principles of supply and demand. As we demand, a supply is met. MMORPG economics would show that RMT activity hinders players ability to enjoy the game. What is RMT? It is a group of people who artificially affect the economy so as to make a real monetary profit from other gamers. There is a demand for in-game currency which is met by farmers who farm and sell currency. As a result the relative value of the currency becomes worthless, and prices are inflated in worst case scenarios 'through the roof'. RMT activity is generally considered bad. Profiteering at the expense of others in a server is a culture that is slowly earning a bad name. Players who have been flagged for RMT activity are usually deleted. It raises the bar so that players who do wish to participate this illegal/immoral activity are handicapped. This widens the gap between players, leading to difference and friction and fear. Poeple feel justified at charging more for simple things. The focus changes from experiencing the game together to who can get the best thing first. When there is uncontrolled RMT activity, it affects the economy adversely. When there is a free market trade and a stable economy, people find it easier to be their best. It is a faster process because others around you want you to be your best too. At the end of the day, what I require to be my best is not the same as other people. And if we can all be good at what we do, we can create an infinite possibility of things. The thing we have to ask ourselves is do prices really have to correspond to availability. What is wrong with simply having a waiting list? Everybody wants something exclusive. When there is a waiting list, the object has a higher value, without a higher price. Which is more important to us, the value of an object or its price. While they are similar, they are not the same thing.

Life is a game. Earth is our server. What can we make it become?

To be or not to be?

2010-11-03T22:33:00.004+08:00

It all starts with a thought. Throughout the ages men have desired many things. The things we have continued to desire continue to exist, and the things that we do not desire fall away from existence. We are as things appear, similar on the outside, same on the inside. It is with our heart that things happen. If you wish for it, it will come to you. But you have to know without a doubt that things should be this way. And if you do, the universe will conspire to aid you. Because it loves you, as you love yourself. After all, one are one. You can cheat anything, but you can never cheat your own heart. Experiencing cognitive dissonance causes us to distance ourself from the us that we love, and turn ourself into an us that we hate. The problem lies in the way we have been taught to think. While we have been schooled in many subjects, however the things of of real importance are to love ourselves, and to believe that we have the capacity to do great things. We should follow our passions, and stay true to our path. What we have to do, is to know what we want. There are no coincidences. So train your thoughts. guard them and discipline your mind. All you have thought of before are part of the infinite possibilities that come to you. I am whatever I choose to be. I choose to be whatever I let persist in my life. They persist in my life because I choose to be aware of them. On most matters, we know the answers before we ask the question. However, we often forget the answer is important, and the question is not.

Dog Star

2010-11-03T16:37:00.003+08:00

I believe there can be freedom without oppression. There can be success without another's failure. I believe that there are win-win situations to be had in this world. We can all have exactly what we want without taking away from another. It is not a question of good and evil. It is a matter of my humanity, the value of my existence; and by extension - the freedom to live my life in a way that has meaning to me.

Flicker

2010-10-07T04:28:00.003+08:00

Do you know that feeling. That lost feeling. That longing to be somewhere else, nowhere tangible, but somewhere definite. I know that feeling. Does it have a name? It is not about the space we occupy. It is about the distance between. Don't you know that feeling, like when you are on the brink of life, and an overwhelming emptiness surrounds you.

Determinism: What We Have Learned and What We Still Don't Know

2010-09-16T23:09:00.003+08:00

I believe I've said this before, so I'll say it again. The light in your eyes makes all of your lies worth believing. Just a glimpse, just a far away look and that's it. The end, to the reality where everything you say is a lie. I believe because I want to. Because I want to be caught, under your spell more than you know. Every time in a situation like this I'd say you'd look back and laugh at this, so no harm starting now. The earlier the better, in case you forget how to smile again. I am not the man you think I am. I have no idea where you learnt what a person should and should not be. I know enough to know that there is no should. A person is. When 2 people meet they are either in love or not. Sometimes when the love is too strong, it tears us apart. It tears us from our insecurities, that part of us that loves ourself, that causes us to question the the ones we love, and ultimately hurting them. We hurt because there is a value, there is value in knowing that you are loved, in knowing that someone wants you to be safe, and somebody will be there to protect you when you need them.

When I needed you the most, that was when you choose to leave me. You beat me to the ground, and I let you, because I love you. And now I need a hand up, but you're nowhere around. I need a heart to teach mine how to beat right again.

Oh Del!

2010-09-14T15:09:00.002+08:00

Oh Del. It's been awhile. In love, as always I lose myself. Out of love, nothing matters. I know it sounds insane. I know things are fine, and I know, but I would rather not admit to myself. The possibility, the chance, the inevitable, the truth. What we all look for, and start avoiding once we find it.

I thought that I knew. I always think that I know something, and nothing ever comes out of it. I know where I am now. I know what I should be doing. I know why i feel like I need a break. I know why I want to stop everything so badly. Because nothing makes sense now, it is an exercise in futility. It is a meaningless waste of effort. Not that I am unwilling to do the impossible, rather I stand dumbfounded starting at the reality I had once considered impossible. Trapped, terrified, lost, hurt, and hanging from a tight rope that is fraying on the edges. To live a life without imagination is even more frightening than a life where my imagination gets the better of my sanity. I have said what needs to be said.

I felt like a meteor, crashing into, set on a pre destined path, too late before it even began.

Trepidation

2010-07-28T23:35:00.000+08:00

I am terrified

Worn

2010-01-19T04:45:00.001+08:00

Worn beneath the soles
A mile between the heels
Lost between the moles
Thrown above the hills

Torn

2010-01-19T04:08:00.003+08:00

Barely a post a day a year. Barely enough.

Look at life. What is there? Is there anything worth looking at. Is there anything that means something. I wish, Simply that you'd understand my drunken thoughts. That you'd understand what is at the core of me. Where is life, where is love, where is faith and hope and all those other things that claim to matter but somehow pale in comparison to the lure of reality. We live, in spite of and despite the dreams that somehow fade away. What are we. Human beings that want to be more than who we are. The dream, the simple dream that leaves us scarred, scared, and spiteful of the life that we have been given.

I love a girl. A simple girl with simple hopes and simple dreams. I wish she'd understand me. I always thought that I've known. I've known that she who loves me should love me more than it'd matter. She'd understand what I am, that is simply put, the meaning of everything that i require from a person who is willing to love me. What is understanding? Simply, it is knowing with the soul. How does one differentiate between what is known by the soul and the mind? I sincerely believe that it is only when one's heart is in unity with the mind that one is true to one's self.

I shall be honest. I do not feel that way. My heart and mind are torn to polar directions since I've returned home. Home is where the heart is says a magnet on the fridge. Where is my heart, it's somewhere far away. Somewhere in Canberra where my love and I should be. I've thought, and worn holes in the carpet with worry. What am I, and what do I mean, where do I stand, and what do I stand for. I know what I've always known. I believe in love. I now know what it means to believe in love. Because a woman cannot attain nirvana, to love is to never transcend. To sacrifice immortality, to sacrifice what it means to be human in light of the here and the now. It means to feel pain and suffering, and restrict yourself to a world that you never belonged in for the sake of pure stubbornness. Simply because you believe in something other than yourself. That is love. Nothing short of sacrifice, nothing short of pain, nothing short of poetry, and the stuff God's are made of.

One year, is nothing, yet can be everything. A year can tell you if what you are doing is what needs to be done or something frivolous, a game, an amusement and a little piece of nothing. It can tell you everything, but in itself as a measurement of time means nothing in the span of the universe and what will and have always continued to exist. I used to think I was broken, but now I know, I am more whole than most. What does this mean in a drunken moment. Nothing.

I have hurt, and I know full well that it means to hurt. I know the maddening pain that comes with it. I know the depression, the lowest of the low, the sickest of the sick, the pit so deep that one cannot imagine getting out of it. And I ask myself all the time, why do I come back again and again? It must be madness. To fall, to sink into love, the comforts of the realm. We drown our sorrows like a people lost, in time, in space, in the greater reality of our circumstance.

Let me run away, run away form talking to myself and start talking to you.

I love you. I love you more than you can know. I love you like it's the single most important passion in this life. There is nothing that compares to what I am willing to commit to you. And as a god fearing man, I hope that you understand and appreciate that. That I am willing to give up everything for you, despite your flaws, despite everything that you are, to be yours, and with the hope that we will one day understand the mysteries of the universe together. That we will understand eternity together.

You tear me apart but you will never understand how.

A post

2009-11-21T21:46:00.001+08:00

It's been awhile since I wrote. It's been awhile since I felt anything I needed to say. It's been a year of contentment. It's been bliss. I am happy, and I want it t stay that way.

2008-12-20T03:18:00.000+08:00

kfjoiaewhgtlanghbioer

Bitter Musings

2008-12-19T05:31:00.003+08:00

Its sad that we will never know how much we mean to each other until we are torn apart and cant be together anymore. Goodness knows the potential for me to fall to pieces now is staggering. Pull it together and be a man. Smile a little, grin a little, bear with everything a little, because who knows... One day this will seem like one of the best times of my life (after I have lived a little).

Take Nothing but pictures. Leave Nothing but footprints.

2008-11-26T03:18:00.003+08:00

I used to know alot of things by heart. I used to have a heart for alot of things. But sooner or later, you learn to pick your battles, as well as the memories that live in your heart.

Hold me tighter and whisper sweet lies,
Or my soul will escape from my eyes.

If you have wondered why I believe my soul will escape my eyes. It is because only the eyes are capable, among all five senses of percieving beauty. And the soul is a tangled mass and collection of that which is beautiful and pure.

Love, is a kind gaze. Love, is lowering your gaze. Love is the moments in between. And every other aspect of life; is just a detail, un important, un decisive, un lived.

2008-11-10T05:50:00.000+08:00

Working out the kinks in confidence.

but...

2008-11-09T16:51:00.002+08:00

It's been a long time. But not long enough. I'd like to, I'd love to. But if I did, I'd feel like I'd be betraying everyone who has helped me in the past. God knows it feels so good, so right, so real, so unalone when I'm by your side. But the pain, that comes later was like when everything first began. I can't afford to risk walking such a fine line. My heart will surely expire. I hope that you can change my mind.

Yet more things that I should never say.

2008-11-06T23:57:00.002+08:00

I want to write.
I want to write something light and uplifting.
I want to write something happy and positive.
I don't think it's in my nature anymore.
I want to believe, this is not the way I will have to live my life.

Now shut the fuck up and enjoy it for what it's worth.

Which half?

2008-11-05T23:19:00.001+08:00

If there existed no external means for dimming their consciences, one-half of the men would at once shoot themselves, because to live contrary to one's reason is a most intolerable state, and all men of our time are in such a state.

- Leo Tolstoy

Speed of weight

2008-11-05T18:54:00.002+08:00

Moments like this. Affirm me of the truth I have always believed. There will never be words good enough to describe how I feel. No words to describe sweetness, bitterness. Happiness or sadness. No words to describe the clear expressionless expression on my face. No words, to do justice to what feels like walking into a burning building. No words to erase the idea of what you think is right or wrong or good or bad from these circumstanecs.

I give up. But it feels like a rush. The question is, a rush to what?

Oh! Shut up already...

2008-11-04T06:08:00.000+08:00

If our hearts get torn...

2008-11-02T02:38:00.005+08:00

There are many things to say. Some things are better left unsaid. There are many things I feel. Though I will never have the words to ever let you know. There is an awareness that nags at my heart strings. I know, I know, I know.

I will not live in fear.

And If it must hurt. At least it's not indifference. At least there is beauty in the world again.

Scarifice under guise.

2008-10-26T04:44:00.003+08:00

I'm writing... I'm feeling... I'm thinking.
I'm walking... I'm breathing... I'm hoping for the best.

I know somewhere deep down inside. I try to ignore it but it nags at me. I have no reason to feel this way. I have no reason to be this way, but I am. I'm at the next stage. Everything is going well. According to plan. Everything is perfect, but I can't shake this feeling.

I could have so much more, I could have everything more and more. I could have my wildest wishes come true, I could have the moon and the stars in the palm of my hand. Some how I dont think that it'd be enough. I don't think anything will ever be enough. Not for me. Not for my lust. Not for my needs... Not for my wants...

It's started again, aching, wanting, needing, hoping, searching; eating away at everything. I know. I won't do anything about it. I know. It could be so much better. I know. It doesn't really matter. I know, and I can't convince myself that I don't.

How does it feel?

2008-10-20T04:16:00.003+08:00

It was only a dream. I believed it was true. I believed, always believed; in the dream.

For me there was nothing more real, more clear, more precious than that which I shared with you. My dream.

Do you believe in angels? Do you believe in beautiful creatures that come to save the wretched and weary hearted? Beautiful creatures with compassionate eyes and wings with soft feathers to lean your face into. Pure white feathers that promise to take your pain and suffering away. That will lift you up, and take you somewhere you belong to.

Do you believe in second chances? Do you believe in a better tomorrow where the mistakes of your past will be righted? Opportunities to let go of the regret in your past, and look forward to a future where you are free of the of the hurt you have caused to those who love you. Lift you up, and take you, where you should have been all along.

I had a dream. In that dream it was me and you. The world was bright, our smiles were bright. As I looked into your eyes. I noticed, that the future was bright as well. We were there, it was beautiful, it was perfect. So I shared the dream with you.

I don't know...

2008-10-14T00:48:00.002+08:00

It's been years since I set out to destroy myself. Since I've set out to find the strength to build myself. It's been a long time, trying to find answers to things I didn't have the questions for. It's a slow painful forever, and I'm where I started. Still looking, still searching, still trying to understand. What I want, what I am and what I can hope to ever be. Hopefully some day, things will add up, and there will be a life worth meaning something at the end of the rainbow.

Inside the Diving Bell

2008-10-05T04:27:00.002+08:00

We go through great depths and lengths to see. We want to explore, and experience the new and the odd. We want to quantify our sense of being. Take a deep breath. And sink deeper into your sub-conscious. Listen in the silence. Hear the vibrations in your soul. Be a part of it. Be apart of it. There is no other truth, than the silence of your soul.

300

2008-10-02T12:29:00.003+08:00

There is only one thing that could make me happier than this.

I shed my old skin, my old heart. The joy that flows from my eyes. The colour in world, the brightness and magnificent. Like a newborn baby seeing everything for the first time. I feel free. My heart is leaping, soaring, reaching towards the blue skies, onward onto the vast horizon. forward into the infinite. Sweeter than sweet, almost bitter, almost painful, almost perfect. Sitting in my room. Sitting in my home. I feel more at home than I've ever did. Today I am home. I am free, and I am the human being that I can be.

As the numbness slips away. As the tight grip on my heart leesens. I know. I am Ready. I will grow. I will be everything and more. I see, I feel and I am alive. I am free.

It's always winter without you

2008-09-30T01:22:00.002+08:00

It's lonely and late,
It's Lonely and late,
It's lonely and Late,
Too late.

Who knows these things...

2008-09-29T00:10:00.002+08:00

Everything comes softly, sweetly and silently. Treading on ice, usually thin ice. Waiting, in trepidation to crash. Fall and drown. Reaching. Gasping for air. In fragments between seconds, between time as we know it. For lack of a better word, a moment. Though I imagine it to be significantly shorter. It is the instant of truth...

Face the drama, the music, or whatever you wan to call it. In the middle of the turmoil and confusion. In the eye of it. Small, shining, piercing. There is the tiniest of glimmers, of the greatest of beacons. Where the universe aligns and doubt is no longer lingering.

These tiny moments of freedom are where I believe the soul is truly alive. Truly free, in the state it was meant to be in. Where it longs outward, and makes everything in effect seem so minuscule and meaningless. It longs to leave and be free. Like water draws to water, I feel my soul calling out into the unknown, into the depths of the universe. To belong, to the vast expanse of space, that makes trifles of time.

I doubt anybody would understand, but I know that there is more out there. Emptiness and nothingness is a part of a greater and magnificent order. Rather than the absence of being. And my soul is a part of that.

Maybe thats why people cant be alone. Souls are like water and drawn to one another. When the viscosity of two souls are similar, we feel an attraction to one another. The resounding confusion is due to our being in parts finite and infinite. To want something that we can not achieve, and to believe what we want is the simplest of things. Marriage, a life long companionship and trust.

Our souls yearn for the infinite, never ending, as the symbol of the ring, and our bodies yearn for the initial instant gratification, like the sparkle and shine of a diamond. I think this is the best I can explain it.

I feel like I'm playing a rigged game of cards. Where neither winning nor losing makes a difference. Where we were set up from the start.

The world is not really an ugly place. It is infinitely beautiful. Sometimes, we just forget to associate beauty with danger.

Clear the mind

2008-09-24T17:36:00.002+08:00

I havent been writing.

Not because i have nothing to say.

I have nothing to write to.

I dont have that compelling urge to write.

To say, to feel and be with.

Eventually something will happen, something always does. And i'll write. Upon my heart and soul i'll write.

And it will be good. It will be beautiful, it will be a work worth reading.

Atleast thats what i hope

A broken down sound

2008-09-07T01:40:00.002+08:00

In another world. Things would have been different. Things that could have been, or should have been, would have been. In another time, in another place, I would have been able to be the person I always wanted to be. The soul of me, would have been the colour I believed it should have been.

A hung head and a heavy heart. The everyday "going-ons" and the rapid pace life expands by leave me at the beginning of infinity, and pretty much at the end as well. I've grown, I've changed, I've evolved, and am somehow lost. Everything changes. The truth is. Heartbreaking truth.

Nothing is forever lost. Pertaining to matters such as the heart, the will to live, the elan of a human being, the fortitude, the strength, and the weight. As the ball and chain of society drags you down, a collar about the neck, breaking you in. It is almost easy to forget that we are people. It is easy to forget that we are made in an image. It is easy to forget that our lives are older than the stones, our ideals are older than the world, and our soul is older than the universe.

Life is a revolution. Life is a fight. Life is a struggle. Life began when everything began, and will end when everything ends. For it is not just written, but conceived. I'm alive in 85, but I've lived longer than that. I'm alive within the music. Within the beauty and splendor of the space that surrounds. I am a citizen of existence. I am...

Does sadness surround a dying star? Collapsing around itself, drawing in the universe around it? Does the density at its core mean anything? Does something so bright and brilliant so far away mean anything? Does anything anything mean anything. Not just anymore, but anyway.

Me, my room, the apartment, the neighbourhood, the country, the vast oceans, the planet, the spaces in between, the other planets, the universe, the multiverse, the vast space. Its easy to be lost when you realise how much space there is to set a destination to, yet so little time to get there. It's the Journey - just the travels, and whatever destination this battered body will take me to.

So much to say and so little words, and life, in itself is bigger than the vastness of existence. Death to death, I want to be set free.

Tired

2008-08-24T23:30:00.003+08:00

I've been meaning to write something down lately but I just dont seem to have the time. Before I could, it came and went without me noticing. Theres nothing to do but take down what I can still remember.

It's barely what I expected it to be. I should be feeling happier than this. I should be much more than this. Everything, every journey started out with the promise of a fine destination. Started out with the promise of something worth while, something that would lead me by the wrist to some greater purpose.

Somehow all I find myself is more battered and bruised than before. Colder, certianly. Harder, definately. Stronger on the other hand is something I find harder and harder to define. It doesnt really get any easier. It doesn't really get any less painful. Its mostly just some great pretending. Actors, players on a stage.

Two Years. A life wasted, a life time with nothing to show for. And I stagnate. I should be happier because my time in the army is coming to an end. I should be happy because things come easy for me. I should be, but this is not enough. For me at least.

Most people would be satisfied I guess. At last I'm looking farther. It's no consolation however that the future seems more bleak. There is a duty and I will do it. The rest is the choice I have in my life. I never would have guessed that things could turn out this way. Now more than ever I am ready to turn my back and walk away. From those I used to love. From those I used to believe in. There is a sentimentality about this. Worn lead leaden feet walking away from a past to difficult to face or bear. It seems like the most common sensical thing to do. However if it were not difficult, and if it didnt hurt so much. It probably never meant anything to me. Looking into my own eyes i know. It was, it did, and it does. In its entirety.

Three years and another three more. Time heals all wounds. It seems impossible now, but with enough time, the pain will be bearable. It doesnt really matter what i'm trying to say.

The end of my service is not a burden lifted off me. It resonates the lack of presence of poeple I wish I could be surrounded with. The love from someone trusted. The joy of someone who is not mocking. The events that should make me happy do not. Simply because the ones who I would share my joy with are no where to be found. It makes me sadder still, because I think of them and realise they are no more around.

There is no Dignity in a Dying soul.

un

2008-08-23T03:39:00.001+08:00

2 years. An i'm still un happy. un personified. un. Why bother. bother bothering. i'll find the time to write something soon. till then ciao

Ramble On

2008-07-19T16:00:00.001+08:00

my sweetheart was a serious girl,
a serious girl was she
she lay among the laughing stalks
and lived in amnesty

What she'd say

2008-06-10T01:05:00.002+08:00

Because my heart turned to lead, and I feel less than half alive. And I dont want to talk about it. And i'm worn out. And i cant keep on keeping on. And I used to believe in things. And now i'm just an empty shell of the person I used to be. And another little bit of my soul flies away. And I wish, how i wish things could be simple like they were yesterday. When I loved you more than i loved myself.

And your happiness was all that I cared about.

Ease the pain

2008-06-02T14:41:00.002+08:00

Deeper than this, farther than distance could ever measure. I'd imagined a place. I'd imagined a utopia. I believed in the possibility of every tomorrow and every coming and going of the crashing tides. There was a time I would have believed in anything. Something once so easy, so free and second nature, and now takes the sum of me. In that fleeing moment, in that instant. The world stops. My eyes close. I surrender myself to the mercy of the world and all its twisted games. A part of it, embraced, entwined, illuminated.

I am free.

I am in love.

I am complete.

Things I dont have the heart to say out loud

2008-05-20T03:19:00.002+08:00

I'm tired but i cant sleep.
I'm sad but i cant cry.
I'm lonely but i cant be with another person.
I'm lost but i dont want to be found.
I'm not sure, but somehow, as much as i hate it, things will fall into place.

And the future will be something i wont be to happy about.
Just another disappointment i'll have to live with, and will eventually become,
normal.

When the eyes of stangers in the MRT meet

2008-04-21T14:55:00.004+08:00

Find the courage. To break free, to walk away. To say no, to care and still do something contrary. To feel and dare to hurt. Find the courage to be a human being, and to accept that people around you are just as human. Equally susceptible to being hurt, and being let down.

Find the courage to believe. To believe in something more than yourself. In a world that's imperfect and everything crumbles eventually.

Find the courage to be a better person. To be stronger, to live with your eyes open. Feel it all even when it's killing you. When it hurts too much for one person to bear. Be strong. Be free. Be the person you always wanted to be.

The dull ache of a pointed mallet beating against your already broken heart

2008-04-14T19:21:00.002+08:00

Just trying to ease the pain. Walking down some empty road. Cutting ties with a rusty knife. Tired of this miserable, slow long drive.

When am i going to be able to look somebody in the eye and say something that i really think.And have it actually come across well. Sometimes its better to just lie. Lie down and let it all wash over you. The reality of the situation suddenly seems so inconsequential. And you know nothing really matters, because tomorrow is a new day. And theres a fresh steaming turd at the end of it.

Whats the point of optimism when we both know its bull. I wont be uptight if you love me tonight. When I can. I will...

bs

2008-04-10T19:33:00.002+08:00

20 days later and i'm singing get me away from here i'm dying. I'm so tired of this anyway i've got this really cool game to play at work giving it a "Fucking A" Yeah!, its called fallen sword.

sublime

2008-03-27T19:23:00.000+08:00

10 days later and I'm still alive. A pity.

Just another emotion

2008-03-17T17:57:00.001+08:00

Lost in the touch
in your eyes, your embrace
I turn to the sky to be
Somewhat, somehow,
free.

Being, believing, bereaving...

2008-03-09T16:15:00.002+08:00

Look into the mirrors of my soul and you will find something. We know all too well the sense of fallen-ness lost, searching for some part of yourself when we were much younger, prouder, more alive. Illuminated by the fire of certainty, sure-ity, and other follies of youth.

Shit, sometimes I don't feel so good inside. But at least now i have moments where I shine, and feel like a human being.

Brillance built the atom bomb to illuminate the world

2008-03-02T23:16:00.004+08:00

Because we are human.

It's not that we are only human, we are much more. However, it is because we are human, that life is so difficult. We are too smart for our own good. If a difficult life is defined by anything, it's our intelligence.

If I could rid myself of everything, I still would not be able to rid myself of my humanity. The ability to think, and the ability to believe and dream. In my heart, the desire to be a better person, to do as much as I can without looking back in too much regret.

It's not a life of magic, though it comes and goes like the most important things in our lives. Rather life is about the sum of our sufferings, The quality and temperament of our soul. Our humanity, facing the crashing waves of a vast ocean. Daily pounded, by vice and wantonness until eventually we are just a shell of the person we once were. Stripped of our dreams, ripped from the things we love them most, torn from whatever kept us safe and sleeping soundly at night. Until one day we stop sleeping. Because our dreams mean nothing to us anymore.

del

2008-02-24T16:23:00.002+08:00

Oh Del, you came from afar,
Worked into my heart,
Lived in my soul
and now you're gone
Leaving only memories behind
An incomplete me behind
A lifetime behind
And I will never be the same
I will never dream the same
I will never live the same
I will never remember a time
before you came and stole my dreams away

"I'm a dude", Dad

2008-02-21T21:08:00.003+08:00

I'm supposed to be out tonight. With someone I want to be around. Someone, like everyone else who's gone far away. Only to return and somehow still manage to be a world apart. We grow and I get left behind. It's like listening to Dylan Sing Bowie, pointing out the tragedy in revolution, in change.

I've been lots of things. Mostly I've been tired, of this, of life, of trying so hard. Only to achieve nothing. If only something came back, worked out, picked me up, lifted me, held me close, and never let go.

Every time I get hit like this, I want to run. To only two people, the first one is my mother, who has given so much to me, love, heart, soul, life and everything I could want, need or think of. The second, is the person who used to give something like that. It was good once, now life pales in comparison. Somehow after all things considered, it's true. I don't want to live in a world where my heart must either break, or turn to lead. Why fight gravity, if we are falling, if our hearts grow heavier, if time and tide, and time and tide again all we do is washed into the sea, we drown, we die, we sink, and we may never soar. I cannot do this anymore, I need a break from life, I need a break, because I'm breaking.

Sides

2008-02-19T21:56:00.001+08:00

Every person has facets. What do you do when one side of you hates the other side of you with a deep passion. What can you possibly do to make it better.

The Joke

2008-02-18T23:50:00.002+08:00

The joke was funny
The joke was fair,
The joke was good,
in the summer air.
We laughed about it,
we had our fill

Time went by
The joke got old
We didn't like it,
but played it till
the joke got cruel
the climate chill
We lost ourselves
in the timeless wheel

A moonlit stroll with her and me

2008-02-16T13:53:00.003+08:00

She's the girl with the flaxen hair
Moonlight on her skin
Starlight in her eyes
Sunshine in her smile
Tiny bells in her laugh
Peel away the clouds in my eyes
Makes me whole
Makes me half

Stoya

2008-02-11T01:06:00.000+08:00

I cant remember the last time I've been taken in with someone's looks. It was a long time ago. But if i were to say anyone was hot, first choice right there. Ring flash, expose for the highlights. I like that it takes a second glance before you realise she's in a mirror.

The photographer had a great quote,

For once you have tasted flight, you will always walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.
-Leonardo DaVinci

Superstar

2008-02-03T15:22:00.000+08:00

Don't you remember you told me you love me baby. Said you'd be coming back again this way baby. Baby baby baby baby oh baby. What happened? Then the music stops. Coz' I'm a moody broody fucker.

Shape the sound, feel the sound be part of it. It's not the beat, its the vibrations in the air. Its the lyrics, the voice behind the music, the silence in it. If evil is the absence if good, what is the silence in music?

I don't know what i'm saying i'm just tired and lost and confused. Don't worry, it'll pass. Like the good things, like the bad things, everything will pass. And silence will come around some time.

Love will tear us apart, again

2008-01-22T22:07:00.000+08:00

This is the mental soundtrack I have to Neil Gaiman's Sandman. I remember being so badly torn apart I wanted just anything to keep my mind off things. So I read. For three days, I sat and read, everything. The complex plot, the misunderstood villains. The morality, that got so warped it made more sense than right or wrong.

I think thats the part I liked about it the most, it shone because it showed, life is not as simple as right or wrong. A good choice or a bad one. Rather action and reaction, both good and bad in itself. I was so torn apart, I remember distraction keeping me sane. That droning voice singing how love will tear us apart. I felt it wasn't just love in the sense of the romantic with somebody in mind. It seemed like he was saying our love for life, to experience everything in its entirety the magnificent ups and downs, the feather-light highs and the ball and chain lows. To experience and look at in that "close-your-mouth-or-a-fly-will-come-in" kind of way. The sheer amazement only a five year old can manage. I actually like it when people call me boy. At some point society tried to change me into a man. All the wonder and colour of life drained slowly after that. I believe in love. At least a tiny bit of me does. Like a star, it's dense, and it holds me together. In this analogy, i'd rather implode than explode. Become a blackhole.

torn

2008-01-14T01:39:00.000+08:00

Guilt makes the world a better place. I hate myself.

Sex and Breakfast

2008-01-12T23:55:00.000+08:00

I don't really know. How to act, how to react and how to feel anymore. It's ironic. That I have to work with the navy so much. That when I want affection so much, the angle it comes from is something I have to hold out against. That my heart breaks so easily when I'm so numb inside. That I hurt so much, when I've got nothing to be upset for. That I'm tired of life, yet bounce around in the things that I do. That I still want to be friends with you, even though you break my heart.

In another time

2008-01-09T18:08:00.000+08:00

I really don't like it when people ask me how I am. I never know how to respond. Every time I say I'm fine, or good, it makes me sick inside.

Why does it have to be so hard? Its true, love and care is just not enough. There has to be some self preservation somewhere. I grow tired of the charade. Communication in guesses and silence. An empty feeling, a lonely gesture, and I'm worn.

It was nice to see you smile.

In perfect love and perfect trust

2008-01-06T17:57:00.000+08:00

How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

Ignorance is bliss, knowledge is power, with great power comes great responsibility, with great responsibility comes great guilt.

If anything ever made us human, it is in our capacity to feel guilt. Our ability to "know better" forces us into a position to do better. We are thrust into understanding, and action. By the laws of the universe, every action creates an equal and opposite reaction. High up on our pedestals, we try to rationalise the actions we make with the cost they produce. With enough knowledge, every cost magnifies, and every action seems an action in futility.

Eventually we reach the point of why bother. What lasts forever? What lasts long enough? What do I value.

When people ask me if I am happy, I never know how to answer. I am though what I sought to be. I am content, and I am alright with things just the way they are. With this path I'm going down. It's not easy, it's painful, and sometimes it rips me apart. I believe it's worth something, to be a better human being.

Let me be pure,
Let me be sweet,
Let me be graceful in the face of defeat.

I'm not perfect, but I would like to be.

anthems for a seventeen year-old girl

2008-01-02T00:40:00.000+08:00

Is it just girls, or what it means to be Seventeen. Thinking about things that don't really mean anything. We want to be loved. Some of us by someone. Some of us by everyone. Think about me. think about what I'm saying, think about me, because I'm thinking about you. If I think about you really hard, you'll think about me as well. Maybe, something will go right, the way it was meant to go.

I think about you, I wait for you. Sometimes I feel like we share a moment. You think and feel exactly the same thing as I do. You say the worlds off the tip of my tongue, you complete everything that should go the way it does. I don't believe in a lot of things anymore. Sometimes when we talk, I believe in magic again.

Used to be one of the rotten ones and he liked you for that.
Used to be one of the rotten ones and he liked you for that.
Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.

Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back.
Can't you come back?

Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.

Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back.

Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath.
Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath.
Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath.
Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under my window.

Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.

Park that car, drop that phone.
Park that car, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone.
Park that car, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone.

Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back.

Being around you make me remember why I hate it so much when I start liking somebody. I'm not seventeen anymore. I don't believe in people anymore. I don't have space and time in my life enough to let someone in. Awhile longer, I'd like to be single. I'd like to be able to love my self. Just a little while longer. Dream about me, sleep on the floor, drop that phone, park that car, dream about me, dream about me, dream...

Motion Picture Soundtrack

2007-12-31T04:33:00.000+08:00

Red wine and sleeping pills
Help me get back to your arms
Cheap sex and sad films
Help me get back where I belong

I think you're crazy, maybe
I think you're crazy, maybe

Stop sending letters
Letters always get burned
Its not like the movies
They fed us on little white lies

I think you're crazy, maybe
I think you're crazy, maybe

I will see you in the next life

Every Shining Time You Arrive

2007-12-29T03:31:00.000+08:00

If I ever believed in something true
At the end of it all I always knew
She would be. Someone like you.

You don't disarm me with a smile. Just being in your presence makes everything better. You don't have to do anything. Just be yourself. All my hurts just fall like shoulders too tired to bear the burden. I am a better person around you. I am free around you. And I am full, of love, and joy, and peace, and hope. For one fleeting moment, I know, without a doubt. The World is a better place. And I am content.

I am complete.

Mellow for Christmas

2007-12-26T02:05:00.000+08:00

It's been a tiring holiday, and I've found myself once again looking inward. Searching for truth, searching for something to believe in.

How all of us celebrate with such ceremony, our uniqueness. Still we seldom see, that being unique makes us lonely, isolated, misunderstood, ultimately leaving us vulnerable. We drown in our uniqueness, like Narcissus through the looking glass.

Soft touches and gentle words, that coax, and cradle us, from our solitude. Inviting, caring, warming, feeling deeply into the moments between - the beats of your heart. To be warm again, to feel again, to breathe deeply that first sweet gasp for air as you emerge from the surface of still water.

Still I am human. Sometimes, it's hard to remember that life is not masturbation, nor is it copulation. Though I find this hard to remember sometimes, I believe life is a dance. It is a silent, perfect, invigorating dance shared by two souls.

Two souls who have found themselves equally unique.

In light of all this weight, I submit my musings of the night. I hope they inspire in you something. As they did in me.

Poems by D H Lawrence:

Self Pity

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.



What would you fight for?

I am not sure I would always fight for my life.
Life might not be worth fighting for.

I am not sure I would always fight for my wife.
A wife isn't always worth fighting for.

Nor my children, nor my country, nor my fellow-men.
It all deprnds whether I found them worth fighting for.

The only thing men invariably fight for
Is their money.  But I doubt if I'd fight for mine, anyhow
 not to shed a lot of blood over it.

Yet one thing I do fight for, tooth and nail, all the time.
And that is my bit of inward peace, where I am at one
 with myself.




And I must say, I am often worsted.




To Women, As Far As I'm Concerned

The feelings I don't have I don't have.
The feelings I don't have, I won't say I have.
The felings you say you have, you don't have.
The feelings you would like us both to have, we
 neither of us have.
The feelings people ought to have, they never have.
If people say they've got feelings, you may be pretty
 sure they haven't got them
So if you want either of us to feel anything at all
you'd better abandon all idea of feelings altogether.

All I ask

All I ask of a woman is that she shall feel gently towards
me
when my heart feels kindly towards her,
and there shall be the soft, soft tremor as of unheard bells
between us.
It is all I ask.
I am so tired of violent women lashing out and insisting on being loved,
when there is no love in them.

Flux

2007-12-25T17:46:00.000+08:00

I throughly believe in that, if it causes you pain cut it off. Well if the pain is not justified at least. These few years i've been looking to get high. And it has finally dawned upon me. I've been looking for the wrong high.

Society has been engineered to mistake sadness for happiness. This I attribute to the availability of alcohol. The legalisation and the way it's marketed. Destroying people make a capitalistic environment possible. We work, we consume, and we are so consumed by Our sadness and grief we are unable to stop and consider why we bother with it all.

Society is fucked. People are screwed up. Life is disgusting. Religion is disgusting. How warped is it when we base our happiness and freedom at the heart wrenching death of another. Its something we grow accustomed to and take for granted, in turn making human life seem insignificant. I cant remember where I saw this but somewhere on TV this guy asked, If you don't believe in God, heaven and hell, why haven't you taken a gun and gone on a killing spree.
Sacrifice is a beautiful delicate and noble thing. When it is taken for granted, it's just tragic.

If your right hand is causing you pain
Cut it off, cut it off
If your colours have started to run
Let them all run, run away from you

There is lightning in this room
Above our heads, waiting to strike
I'm a thinker not a talker
Put your faith, your faith in God

We were hoping for some romance
All we found was more despair
We must talk about our problems
We are in a state of flux

I'd kill for an adventure
Just you and I, in the Curzon Bar
Dancing till we knew
So all that we've learnt disappears

When you shouted at me
I saw my father in the second grade
Concerned and kind
Yet unable to reach me

We were hoping for some romance
All we found was more despair
We must talk about our problems
We are in a state of flux

State of flux (9 TIMES)

We need to talk (5 TIMES)

We were hoping for some romance
All we found was more despair
We must talk about our problems
We are in a state of flux

It

2007-12-24T19:22:00.000+08:00

It breaks me,
It makes me,
It takes me,
It saves me,
It's the sum not the whole,
It lives as it dies,
It's truly, alive
It's me

Ugh

2007-12-23T17:57:00.000+08:00

This god dammed virus is pissing me off.

Here's Joni:

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
Ive looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living every day

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Comets lash and rise above...

2007-12-22T23:15:00.000+08:00

There's so much to say and so few words to say it. Words have to be chosen. Not to reflect the truth, but to reflect a reflection of the truth. Ambiguity makes for acceptable communication. Its a twisted world we live in.

It goes against me, there are a lot of things to say, but I'm settling for just not cut out for this world. I try so hard to mean what I say, and say what I mean. But that is a skill that has not been required for quite awhile. I try to be a part of things, and not apart from things. To believe in them and their wholesomeness. To see things for what they are, a glass that just is, and it doesn't matter if it's half empty or full.

I try to be a human being. To live to the standards of the impossible that could be possible. I try to believe, in everything, from God, to people, from fact, to fable, from love, to solitude. Because at the basest level, I am a humanitarian. I believe we are capable of more than we give ourselves credit for. Somehow, believing in all this, I find it hard to give someone a chance to choose for themselves. Aren't we all confused anyway.

A trip was good, I managed to get away from it all. Sit and relax, away from the hustle and bustle of the big city life. However, the trip, like the term suggests, involved some pain, such as falling flat on your face. And I wonder, how I got so attached to home. I guess I know the truth of it, just that the truth isn't good enough for tender ears.

"It's 2007 Jeremy", she said. I've been living a dream. While I believe in an open egalitarian society, it's 2007. It's the big city, filled with lights, bright lights! Even the eternal stars dim in contrast. It's about long enough, forever is something that only crossed our collective consciousness in a dream.

Did we really sell our heroes for ghosts? I used to have a hero, I don't anymore, he let me down, and now he's just an ordinary human being. I used to be special, but I'm not anymore, I've been let down, and now I'm just an ordinary human being. Weary, wary, quiet.

I wish I knew what I could do, to make you brave enough to believe in me. Nothing ventured nothing gained they say. You only live (each moment) once. Under the pressing weight of it all, we know it's nothing to get hung about, it's always strawberry fields, forever.

:)

2007-12-06T22:57:00.000+08:00

Headed off for a long awaited holiday. Its been years. It;s been about time. A chance to be free. Free from the weight of it all. The crushing weight. It's been a good year. Good enough for me. I am relieved at this burst of peace.

A sunday playlist

2007-12-02T16:26:00.000+08:00

Believe me Natalie - The Killers
Creep (Live) - Radiohead
Ceremony - New Order
The Evil that Men Do - Iron Maiden
Babara Ann - Blind Guardian Cover
Stratovarius - We hold the Key
Here is Gone - Goo Goo Dolls
Headlong- Queen
Razzle Dazzle Rose - Camera Obscura
Seven Seas of Rhye - Queen
The Grouch - Green Day
Your Kisses are wasted on me - The Pipettes
Friday I'm in Love - The Cure
Marry Me - Ellegarden
Everything is Alright - Motion City Soundtrack
Push (Live) - Matchbox 20
How to Save a Life - The Fray
Good Riddance - Green Day

Feeling Good, thanks Nina

2007-12-02T16:08:00.000+08:00

All you ever do is walk away. From everything. Walk. We were better once. We were happy once. We were human beings once. We were happy once. We believed in things like love, freedom, hope, and other such nonsense that doesn't belong to this reality. Once. Once upon a time. We sang, our hearts were free.

I want a rush. I want to get on a roller coaster. I want to look my fears in the eye and laugh at it. I am. I always remember: I am. Not so much what i can become, not so much the stuff that makes me, not so much the small things anymore. Its just me, and the universe, in its entirety, and I am.

Love

2007-11-24T19:37:00.000+08:00

It passed. Everything passes eventually. Here in my quiet corner, an empty storeroom filled with memories. In a place where I can silently hate myself for all the things that I should be but cannot find the strength to be. Where I don't have to afraid to tell you that I love you. Where I don't have to be afraid to express how much I care. Where I can be human, up to my standards, and not feel like a freak for it. Maybe its just a load of bullshit. That I care, that I attempt to rise above my nature. It came to a time I am willing to admit that there's something fundamentally wrong with me. I can't change it, I cant do anything about it. I hate it, the way it makes me helpless in some situations. Once in awhile. Its alright.

I just want to be good enough, for once. Good enough. Thats all. Not even perfect, not yet.

Love is real, real is love,
Love is feeling, feeling love,
Love is wanting to be loved.
Love is touch, touch is love,
Love is reaching, reaching love,
Love is asking to be loved.
Love is you,
You and me,
Love is knowing,
We can be.
Love is free, free is love,
Love is living, living love,
Love is needing to be loved.

Ye Godes!

2007-11-19T20:25:00.000+08:00

Geez-Lousie. I need to do something to control this uncontrollable itch. Do not pick up the phone and dial the wrong number if you do. Such blase writing is so unbecoming. Gods. Art thou there. Come down and hear our cry.

Subinmo

2007-11-17T15:50:00.000+08:00

Sue me. I don't want to be happy. Not anymore. Not after all this. I can't afford it. Three long years, where every second feels like my fingernails grating on the chalkboard. Three long years, where I feel my heart ache everyday. Where I think I'm dying. Drowning, like a baby in the swimming pool. Thrown in the deep end, experiencing the past once again. Swimming, barely, against the tides, against the flow of time, against the crashing cymbals. Time stands still for me. And the world moves on. Tide and time wait for no man. I am no man. I am the symbol of a person. Not a real person. I don't take joy anymore. It's alright, it's not wicked, it's peaceful. Where I am. Lost in the moment, lost in the singularity of my self.

Nothing happens, nothing happens, anymore.

Can't you see I'm trying?

2007-11-17T05:53:00.000+08:00

When you say "look at me love, I have just surpassed the Human Race!" The most important bit of information in that sentence is not that you have accomplished the impossible. Rather, your lover is watching on, smiling, a secret smile for the joy in her heart. Only then, is achieving the impossible worth something.

I just want to know

2007-11-15T19:24:00.000+08:00

If love is free.
Why do we guard it so closely?
Why do we keep it so tightly?
And why do we suffer so much?

Maybe i am an emo kid

2007-11-12T19:29:00.000+08:00

Mood, shitty, like every emo blog, the mood of a person should be somewhere, in darker tones. Talking of something horrible, foreboding, unwanted, rejected by all.

Apparently its a river in Egypt. The thought of something that once meant the world to me. The very fact that it still boggles and bogs down on me pretty much says what it does mean. In reference to that very long river. We like to think we're something that we're not, we like to think that we're better than we are. We like to hope tomorrow will be better than today, or things will get easier once we grow up. I've grown to doubt that. Sometimes We hope for the impossible, because we want to see it happen.

Watch the rage Jeremy. Take it easy. Its alright if life has wronged you, it's wronged everybody else as well. Stop being irritated with poor excuses. Wronged in little ways that aren't entirely your fault. Hoping for things to get better. And being free with your love, care, and concern. It'll wear you out. Take care of yourself, because no one will take care of you.

I used to be a little boy. I guess I still am. Torn between trying to be kinder and harder. You cant have both, either love somebody loyaly through adversity or have them experience unreciprocated love. Aren't we all human, children in a universe infinitely grown. Trying to find our place like children trying to understand our parents. Answers come, only too late. Love returns, only to find out that the time for it has passed.

I once asked why. And a friend of mine replied, once, there was somebody who would forever be the only person I wanted to build a life with. Now she's no longer mine, so i've resolved to settle for number two.

My mind, responds with images from Mr Brightside.

By the crashing waves

2007-11-11T18:34:00.000+08:00

The lonely moon hung high
Cut by light,
Cut by you,
By the memory of something that once meant the world to me.

Ceremony

2007-11-11T02:39:00.000+08:00

If life can be summed up, it would be summed up in ceremony. Not just the song, but the different rites of passage we have in our lives. The way the wheels turn for me and you hardly mean anything, unless they turn together.

I think I love the song because it gets me. It understands eternity the way I do. In the innocent; that which goes on forever way. Without thinking about the magnitude of it, it deals with forever one moment at a time, one heartbeat at a time. More deeply, one possibility in the infinite spectrum of the multiverse at a time. Somehow, they are all the same. The same sequence of events. Because I believe deep down inside, though the world around us may change, we will always be human beings. Capable of love, freedom, independant action, hope, and the believe that these things are attainable against ALL odds.

This is why events unnerve me,
They find it all, a different story,
Notice whom for wheels are turning,
Turn again and turn towards this time,
All she asks the strength to hold me,
Then again the same old story,
World will travel, oh so quickly,
Travel first and lean towards this time.

Oh, Ill break them down, no mercy shown,
Heaven knows, its got to be this time,
Watching her, these things she said,
The times she cried,
Too frail to wake this time.

Oh Ill break them down, no mercy shown
Heaven knows, its got to be this time,
Avenues all lined with trees,
Picture me and then you start watching,
Watching forever, forever,
Watching love grow, forever,
Letting me know, forever.

Mostly, its the expectation that something follows after an event that makes life worth living. For every ounce of suffering, every pound on our fragile hearts, every beat we take for granted, we believe there is a consequence. There is a reason, and in some naive way, we expect to be compensated in full for all our sacrificed happiness.

Girls like girls

2007-11-09T01:22:00.000+08:00

The difference between men and women is the difference between solitude and being alone. The problem with women are all the things that they believe make them attractive. The idea of a person trying to fit into a stereotype is not comforting. Its a wonder they are upset when they're objectified.

Do you remember the first time?

2007-11-08T03:27:00.000+08:00

She makes love just like a woman, but she breaks just like a little girl. Dylan inspires me. Sometimes I die just thinking about the words. Because I need you. Honestly I hate it, admitting it to myself, but ever since you called, I've been dying inside with all the life you've inspired me with.

If there were ever a scared chord, it would be the one that played when I met you. Not met you but Met You. Why am I like this. I'd love to know, rather than wither every day without you, lost, longing and listless. Half drunk (because completely drunk would be at the pass out stage), I think... ... ... ... about you. Your smile, and how much It'd got through just to earn that.

You talk about how much he didn't. you looked at me and said it. For all your genius, you're still stuck to whatever mankind is stuck with. Idiocy, and forgiveness.

If I tell you the Truth?

2007-11-06T02:40:00.000+08:00

It's not loyalty, it's stupidity. Sometimes perspective is all the difference between what is, and what is holding you back.

I find myself again at the corner of another December. For all my recent optimism, I doubt that I'll survive this one. I wonder when the reality of Decembers became a matter of survival. At some juncture they became unbearable. It always irks me, the bright lights in the streets, the ton of movie game and other media releases. That fake Feel Good Christmas cheer. It has always disgusted me, how they turned a religious holiday into a commercial fanfare.

Speaking of Fans, I've recently read Clyde Fans Company. It's good. I guess I never really saw graphic novels as a medium for quiet contemplation, "silent sobriety". It's a pleasant surprise to find work that is so different form the "Razzle-Dazzle" I'm so used to. A little stupid I guess, to be admitting this, but as much as I'd like to think that it's obvious, I would never have expected to see something this sophisticated expressed in the length of a book. To a certain irony, the novel in Graphic Novel is almost overstood.

Attending the lecture today, made me feel like a student again. Escaping form the regimentations of an army life. Escaping from a place where I'm barely surviving. I miss, being in a discussion where the topic actually holds my interest for more than five seconds. Talking about things like Schadenfreude and the untranslatability of it reminds me of the time where I was so obsessed with the idea of Litost. Talking about David Lynch and finding someone who's willing to admit the most frightful thing (that he cannot be understood) makes me feel at ease, and bringing up references in Clerks 2, and that insightful scene of "inter-species erotica".

It's all well and good. A marvelous journey into discovery, searching within yourself to find somewhere the sum of your imaginations and knowledge belongs. I guess I've gotten used to and beaten down by people who can't be bothered with what I have to say. Its both frustrating and shameful to my inner child to admit that I was ever beaten down to this state where I cannot even be bothered to lift a finger to save something so important and dear to me. Looking back I think it was the process of learning to let go I never really got the hang of. I now know to let go, its just the part where I'm supposed to hold back and want something again where it eludes me.

I know I miss Samantha more than I'm willing to admit. She's great to talk to and whenever we do talk I come out of it better than I went in. Refreshed, ready for another bout of getting kicked around. It's not really consequential, the stuff that we talk about. But being in her presence is always a comfort, because the lines are well defined. We both want the same thing. It's the relationships like this that are a joy. There are no boundaries we can cross. Well, there are. It's just that the expectation for the relationship is such that you can express yourself as liberally and freely as you want, without fear of overstepping unseen toes. Its frustrating that I feel this way with most of my relationships with women. Close, and distant, close and distant again. Like a bad cha-cha, back and forth until somebody makes a wrong move, than the dance is over. The music stops, and its back to the cold bleak reality where you're alone.

Why do we try to get close, to feel like we did yesterday when it was gone and broken so long ago because of our actions? Why do we persist in a relationship where we obviously want different things. For three years, I've been wondering. Why do you call every now and then. The truth is that's not what really bothers me. I've grown accustomed to the life I have now. In a sense its mostly painful, but mostly bearable as well. I've managed in some way to turn my existence into some form of exquisite torture. Just happy enough to live until tomorrow. How the world frowns on suicide is a mixed message.

It's these ironic mixed messages that tear me apart mostly. To quote from Mr Lennon, "as soon as you're born they make you feel small". And in Fight Club another, "You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake". The point is, our significance in this world is pretty non-existent. Why then does society frown upon suicide when its something it propagates? Here I guess we go back to Schadenfreude. In a sense its the ultimate sadist's pleasure. To watch someone suffer, to have them hang on because of you, making them believe that they are a necessity in your life. From the pain and the struggles they confide in you, you feel better about yourself. The scent of roses about you, proud of giving someone else a reason to live. When all it was, was forcing them to hang on beyond their time. To grow old, decrepit, tired, worn-out, lonely, sickly, unwanted, unloved, uninspired, and die that way. Many years after you. After you had lived a life no less empty, but slightly less alone.

Posted by viper7data on Nov 05 2007 at 03:02

2007-11-05T19:25:00.000+08:00

Our Ripper, who art on mininova,
aXXo be thy name.
Thy torrents come.
Seeding will be done,
Here as it was on suprnova.
Give us this day our latest rips.
And forgive us our leeching,
As we forgive those that leech from us.
And lead us not on to private trackers;
But deliver us from the MPAA:
For thine is the ripping, the seeding, and the glory,
For ever and ever.

You can look at yourself sleep the clock around

2007-11-04T15:56:00.000+08:00

I never will get songs that sing of innocence. When I was young all I wanted to be was older. Now, I'm not so sure. I lie down in bed, and dream my day away. Against the blaring trumpets, and notes held on for too long, is the memory of you. Some might say it was better to, than never to have. Sometimes even that leaves me unsure. Tired, of the monotony of doing and facing my mortality each time things crumble. We've grown apart. We're different. Things will never be like they seemed yesterday, all those years ago.

Its a crying shame to live in a world of ones. One life, one first time, one opportunity, one chance to make things work. Too used to messing up, we stop trying, some of us never even tried in the first place. Things end after all. Why bother, to try and make things right? Why bother to give it your all. Sometimes I wonder, maybe its just a force of habit. Maybe its a genetic thing. Maybe it was the way I grew up. I cannot imagine my life any other way, yet sometimes I wonder what it'd be like. Sometimes I try to change it. Mostly I sleep, I dream, and I wake up with the faint curiosity if today is the day where life starts picking up for me.

#244

2007-10-30T22:57:00.000+08:00

Things have come a long way. From the day I first started smoking. Like moths to a flame, we are drawn. Delicate pencil shadings, undefined, yet with form and purpose. Ever since he mentioned it. I've wondered, (in my usual pathological nature,) what he meant.

I used to know, but now I've forgotten

Sometimes I still wonder why I continue to smoke. Between the defined lines that outline each character, is a shade of blue. We are after all a shade of blue. Between the defined reality, is a the way we shade our perception of what it has all become, white, or black and blue.

Life is about ups and downs. It's about chance meetings, and unexpected drifting aparts. Its about first times, and second chances. It is about hope, and love, and freedom, as well as being let down, being alone, and being chained. The haunting memory of better yesterdays, causing fear in the hopes of better tomorrows.

I'm missing the point. Or rather I'm not willing to say what I mean. Self censorship dishonest writing can only mean one thing. I'm trying to live my life. So I ask. Would I rather be able to write and be miserable, "on-the-verge-of-suicide" miserable my whole life? Or be happy.

At some point in the life of every person he will be faced with this. (Praise be to my attempt to not be an elitist prick.) As we discover the life of Kalo, we realise it is not shameful to enjoy a simple life, to enjoy a life without great epiphanys.

Its a great crime to write such uninspired garbage. It pollutes the idea of what it could have been. It cheapens everything that comes before it. A fresh sheet again. The mood is not contemplative, its angst on the verge of rage.

I don't trust you. I don't care for your half hearted roles. I have no desire to tolerate your thoughtless actions. The measured way you deal with me. Your hypocrisy, your blood sucking ways.

Sometimes I don't know why I care. Like believing in promises, I just set myself up for disappointment. I search of happiness, and inspiration, but when I find it. I find myself alone, to deal with it. This feeling is winning the lottery, and finding out you're the only person left. Its climbing to the top, when everyone around you is at the bottom. Its not being able to believe in anything, not even yourself. It's crippling, fear, eating down into the very fiber of you.

I had a friend. At least I thought I had a friend. Now I don't. When I look at all the other people who say they are my friends, I'm not as sure as I used to be. I used to be warm, and kind. I once used the last of my money to buy a starving cat some food. Somehow I thought it meant something. I believed in Jesus, when he told people that giving everything you've got makes you a better person. I used to believe in the Tooth Fairy, because my parents did a good job at sneaking in and out of my room and I never caught them at it. Somehow, I grew up and the world lost its naivety, while I lost my charm. One day, I'll stop fighting. I'll stop believing that I was happy yesterdays ago. I'll forget that I was ever loved, and deep down inside me, too deep for me to hear, my inner-child will most probably cry; tears that I had forgotten meant something at one time in my life. And he will regret the day I lost the courage, and decided to live past my time.

People don't cry enough

2007-10-24T17:42:00.000+08:00

So close, yet so far away. So old, yet not grown. So tired, yet not asleep. So broken, yet undeniable alive.

Its the contradiction of existence. The bits and pieces in the fabric of us that strive for dominion. The bits and pieces of us that make up the lies of our truth. The wool over our eyes, the shadows in the sunlight, the possibility in stark contrast to the reality. We all want to escape.

Yet again, the numbers trail on, spiraling into the universe, infinity. What a brilliant concept. To imagine the unimaginable, such is the genius of man.

I have grown older. I know this not by the boy who calls me Uncle at the lift. Age is just a number, my daddy told me long ago. Slowly i begin to realise. Our oldness or youngness is not measured in the beats of our almost reliable heart, but in the beats that it skips.

As I lie in bed most nights, I put my hand to my chest, to feel my heart beat. To be sure that I'm still alive, and life's obligations still have a hold on me. When I whispered that I loved you, my heart skipped a beat. That instant time stopped forever. Life changed forever, and I will never know what was down that other road.

Human beings are creatures of time. We live within, and around time. It defines our existence. Who we are, (a 22 year old; too old or too young) and how we live, (between the hours of 7 a.m. and 12 p.m.; too long or too short). We speed time up, and years past in the instant of a memory, and we slow time down, embracing the surge of emotion in the moment that washes over us.

People measure time is measured by the light of the sun, the waxing and waning of the moon. However, we live in heartbeats, in moments, in the spaces between the seconds. We feel alive when our hearts race, and we die when our hearts crash into an unsteady gait.

Sometimes I never want to feel happy again, because the disappointment and impending doom is far too much to bear. I never asked for very much. Only to be treated the way you enjoy being treated. And then I die. Alone, unloved, unwanted, too broken to sit upright, too proud to stop killing myself trying. I only want what is best, even if a part of me has to die in the process.

Closer, but still a million miles apart

2007-10-22T00:51:00.000+08:00

Warning. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

Some kind of smoke and mirror hocus-pocus. Focus on the object in the middle and you'll be alright. Just stop thinking about the wonder and illusion. Believe in something that wants to believe in you. Lift and plunge ignore the potential in not doing so.

Flowers

2007-10-18T00:01:00.000+08:00

to make up for that crappy attempt to write, here's lyrics.

i want to buy you flowers
it's such a shame you're a boy
but when you are not a girl
nobody buys you flowers

i want to buy you flowers
and now i'm standing in the shop
i must confess i wonder
if you will like my flowers

you are so sweet and i'm so alone
oh darling please
tell me you're the one
i'll buy you flowers
i'll buy you flowers
like not other girl did before

you were so sweet and i was in love
oh darling don't tell me
you found another girl
forget the flowers
because the flowers
never last for ever
never last for ever
never last for ever
my love

Believe... in something

2007-10-16T17:31:00.000+08:00

Close, though hardly touching.
Quiet, yet somehow deafening.

Somehow things turn this way. Different from what we have been conditioned to believe. We look for the truth through tainted eyes, that expect what to see before it sees it.

Loved, over and above all alone.
Born, still not truly living.

Over life and death lies the mystery. Beyond the wall, across the vast spaces between what is and what should be. Across vast meadows, vast oceans, vast skies, vast space, the vastness of the mind, infinite in possibilities and as endless as peering into the eyes of your true love.

Because time stops, and nothing exists anymore, because it doesn't have a need to.

Possibilities

2007-10-03T23:58:00.000+08:00

Love and murder pretty much go hand in hand. Dreams and possibilities as well. Some day, they all go, that love we though would last forever, the life we thought too long and heavy to bear, even dreams that are intangible, who's elusive lives flit between the reality of secret whispers, stolen glances and silent moments.

Where does reality stand in this, where does the truth begin and the lives we formerly led end. The question is simple. Would you die for what you believe in? Put in another way, one might ask, if you are to die for one thing you believe in, what is it?

Of course some flippant answer like food or clothes or even money comes to mind. Simply because we either cannot comprehend living our life for anything other than ourselves who we have no choice but to stick with until we pass on. However, instead of death, which the living can not comprehend, imagine the most gruesome death painful death you can. St. Catherine's Wheel for example. What conviction do you have thats strong enough for you to suffer. Fully aware of the transient nature of the world.

You who do not know are empty. You who do are either romantics, or retards. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever trust someone that much again. That even when that faith has been broken, I still find it in myself to keep it alive.

I prefer to live in a world where I'm not alone, throughly enjoying my solitude.

I found my muse, though more accurately, she found me. Thanks T, I've been waiting awhile for someone like you.

White Powder

2007-09-20T23:11:00.000+08:00

I wish you'd stop lying to me.

I may not make a big deal out of it. I may not look like I care, but I'm sick of it. Sick and tired of breathing in your lies. Of breathing you into my lungs, the scent on your hair, the light in your eyes.

I'm trying to be a decent human being. I'm trying to keep some part of me alive, so maybe one day, i can trust somebody. So I can make a life.

Is it too much to ask . . .

Just tell me, and I'll walk, and tug and pull and tear my heart away from the promise of what i believed to be perfect.

Dealing

2007-09-16T01:42:00.000+08:00

I never knew, how to deal. Never ever. Few things make me dwell on them for more than a day. This day finally came like I expected. And I find myself colder, more numb, tired, and unable to give a fitting emotional response. I'm dying, or already dead inside. Maybe this is for the best. I'm so tired.

Grow up.

2007-09-07T01:08:00.000+08:00

I found this on someone's facebook.

Remember when getting high meant swinging at the playground. the worst thing you could get from boys was cooties. your worst enemies were your siblings. race issues were who ran the fastest. war was a card game. the only drug you knew of was cough medicine & wearing skirts didn't mean you were a slut. The only thing you smoked was the tires on your bike. the only thing that hurt was skinned knees & the only things that can get broken were your toys. life was simple and care free, but what i remember the most was wanting to grow up.

Yeah, i remember wanting to grow up.

Settle for dust

2007-09-05T22:40:00.000+08:00

I don't know what I'd do without cigarettes. I wouldn't know what to do with the time. I wouldn't know how to deal with my breaking heart. I just wouldn't know. I'd probably curl up and wish i was dead.

It's easy to say, its not your fault. Its difficult to mean it. Like facing the past. Acknowledging all that has happened, and carry on. Believe tomorrow will be better. Believe in something again, despite knowing believing is what got you in this mess in the first place.

I believe that we all like to dance, to sing, to love and be loved. We all want to go to heaven, to be better and be in a better place. I believe we are all human beings. Capable of thought, emotion, and values that are higher. Sometimes I don't see it, an understanding for the similarity and difference in mankind. We are expected to act and behave a certain way, that falls under the category of common sense.

How do you live when you have no idea of what is common sense. How do you live when you've come to the conclusion that you have very little in common with everyone else. That you care much more than is necessary, when its common sense to you that as human beings we are all victims of life. That life and its mis-communications, due to the imperfection of language, are the source of most of the problems in the world. Because we think in an imperfect language. How do you live with the notion that people are selfish when you have not allowed yourself to become cynical, jaded, and capable of discarding the idea of a greater good. How do you live with the idea that we are not infinite, that we were not made by a god, that, crudely put, life's a bitch and then you die.

It is common sense that if something bothers you, erase it from your life. Forget it, him, her, move on, fill the spaces, and continue living. What do you do when life is the enemy, people are people, and they are the way they are because life made them so. I say this because children do not know better. How do you blame people when everyone is essentially a misguided child. Misguided because thee are no absolute wrongs and rights in this world. How do you live, when your existence is a paradox. Once again, I am forced to face this crossroad even though I tried to run from it and be happy. Because I believe in you. And I refuse to accept that you are just another face in a past that I have faced, paid my dues, and eventually leave in the settling dust.

My mouth is a gape with horror!

2007-08-31T21:42:00.000+08:00

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner.
Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare.
You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie.
Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you.
For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

Damm you bastard diploma!

2007-08-26T14:37:00.001+08:00

Who knew a missing diploma could cause so much heartache. Fuck this i should just go kill myself. Why did i read that letter, why did i smell it, why. It started out with my older writings. It moved on to things people had written to me. And my heart is breaking because those people are so far away. Its a damm conspiracy. Right down to the music my i tunes chooses to play when there are 8000 songs to pick and shuffle from. Shuffle karma, incurred for stopping the shuffled songs to hear something you want to.

The price of being a garbage collector is you have to face your entire past if you want to find something from a moment in time.

God damm it, I have no idea why I'm still alive.

The Model

2007-08-26T13:26:00.000+08:00

I will confess to you
Because you made me think about the times
You turn the picture on to me and I'll turn over
The picture was a masterpiece of comic timing
But you wouldn't laugh at all
And I wonder what the boy was thinking
The picture was an old collage of something classical
The model with the tragic hair
Because without a doubt he'd given up the fight
The ghost of somebody at his side

I will confess to you
Because I didn't think about the message
As I walked down the alleyway it was a Sunday
And all my friends deserted me because you painted me
As the fraud I really was
And if you think you see with just your eyes you're mad
'Cause Lisa learned a lot from putting on a blindfold
When she knew she had been bad
She met another blind kid at a fancy dress
It was the best sex she ever had

I'll send a dress to you
Because it's needing badly taken in
But I was so embarressed that I missed your party
It was me that paid for it eventually
Because you know how much I wanted
To meet your friend the star of stage and local press
The dream of all the bowlie kids that hang around here
And I'm no different from the rest
I'm not too proud to say that I'm okay with
The girl next door who's famous for showing her chest

You're not impressed by me
But it's a funny way for you to tell me
A whisper in a choir stall
The man was talking about you simultaneously
Frankly, I let my heavy eyelids flutter
Because I have been sleeping badly lately
I know you were historical from all the books I've read
But I thought you could be bluffing
And with this chance I've missed I feel remiss
It's days and months before I see you again

What happens when the heart just stops

2007-08-22T17:19:00.000+08:00

And this song is called what happens when the heart just stops this song is about ehm, ehm waking, ehm, waking up, under a bush, in your ex-girlfriend's garden. Uhm, Yeah. This is a song about getting drunk, and forgetting that you don't go out with her anymore. Forgetting that she doesn't love you anymore. So, this is about, needing, being, this is about wanting too much, wanting to be close to someone too much wanting to know where they are all the time, and when they're going out, you're like where're you going or what time will you be back, or, I'll come with you. And its about trying to do the right thing, trying to withdraw, so that you don't love so much, trying to go okay, and in doing so, something inside you just dies, and you turn off, and like all things in life, then she falls in love with you, and you don't care. And its a song of hope...

Its all about that, times and places in your life. Coming up on shuffle on my itunes. I couldn't resist the urge to transcribe it, again (maybe) i forgot. Its ok, I can lie to myself, I can believe something is not true even though i believe it down to the very fiber of my being. I have some hope, I can carry on, even though I don't see the point of it right now. I am strong, I can pretend I don't feel anything even though I am breaking down inside, even when I'm scared, and I'm tired, hurting, crying and don't see the point to anything. I can look you in the eye and tell you that I'm fine.

I know you wont go back, but if you don't go back, I'll never be able to go back as well. The thought of that makes me sad. There is a price to everything, I only wish I knew what your's is.

So what happens when the heart just stops
Stops caring for anyone
The hollow in your chest dries up
And you stop believing

So what happens when the heart gives up
But the body goes on living
The blood crawls to a slow and stops
And flows away

Well we got no-one to meet
No love we would beseech
We only have ourselves to blame for everything
The was no answer in the dust
And I'm missing you so much
And now you're sleeping
And I'm leaving

Empty-handed waiting
Time it will subside and we'll agree
It was a given
Well there was no standard we could set
And the world it does regret
To have to leave you in this state of bereavement

You see I'm feeling everything
Nothing gets by

There is a hollow in my chest
The time I won't forget
There is no comfort in the eyes
They put us always to the test
I can't prepare myself for that
But I work it out in time
There is a love that flows between us
Ever-changing everyday
I worked myself up to a crawl
But I'm not fearing it at all
We have no reason left to stay
And that's why we're leaving
And there was no answer in the dust
And the one I feared to trust
There is a lie that drags us
Beating and pulling into disappointment

I'm disappointed
I'm disappointed
I'm disappointed

It's so late, till you're gone

While I still can

2007-08-13T22:21:00.000+08:00

I've come to realize music is not an outlet. Much rather, its an inlet. You let it in, let it infuse itself into your heart. Soak into your soul. Vibrate with the very molecules that comprise you. Love it, buzzing away humming in synchrony with the universe and you.

Once Loved, twice Shunned.
Three times Broken, Four times Charmed.

Sometime when i write, I don't know what I'm writing. Reading it i realize it makes a lot of sense. Writing like this is a medium between my conscious and sub-conscious. One day it'll all add up. One day I'll understand the sum of my actions, and the value of my reactions. The couplet above made more sense in the shower than when i wrote it. After putting it through some deconstructive thinking. Somethings are happening that i'm not too happy about. At least now I have the confidence to do what must be done.

Most people don't know this, about me. That I live like I dance.